Surviving First Grade

Yes, you read it correct. I'm going to tell how to survive first grade, or rather, how I survived it.

I’ve been in only 2 schools in my whole life- Sanjivani International and G D Somani Memorial. I switched from GDSMS to SIS in fourth grade. I don’t really remember much of my previous school, but I do remember recess and how to survive it.

So in my previous school recess and lunch was at the same time. We’d eat as much as possible and then run downstairs to play. During recess there were no sports, as a matter of fact, I don’t think I ever played a sport in this school, running doesn’t count.

Anyway, there were no sports and everyone would be in the basement, running here and there. I’d say the strength of our school was definitely over 1000, so it was pretty crowded, all the time.

One of the games we used to play was sort of a cop chase game. One person would be the runner, while everyone chased him.

That one was fun. 15 guys chasing 1? I loved it. It was there that I learnt how to melt into the crowds and evade pursuers.

You see, first-grade-me was a small and skinny kid, probably one of the smallest, so it was pretty easy. I also wasn’t stupid. Most of those idiots would run into open spaces, where everyone would see them and thus, catch them.

My advice- Don’t do that.

You’ll end up a sitting duck and be surrounded pretty soon.

EVADING PERSUERS SKILL- CHECK

Wait a minute, so you're telling me that you survived by being a scrawny fake robber and effectively evaded other miniature fake cops in a fake cop chase, and that helped survival!? HOW?

And just when I thought you weren’t coming? How did it help in survival? I’ll tell you later.

*concocting a brilliant story*

Whatever you played, another significant part of recess was THE BELL. When you hear it, it doesn’t matter what you're doing, why you're doing it and with whom you're doing it. You. Freaking. Run. Preferably while screaming hysterically.

*Spitting out milk* WTF?

Don't give me that condescending look. I was in first grade. Plus, it was fun.

Anyway, all 1000 of us would rush towards and squeeze into a small staircase through which only 2 could enter at a time. I know it was dangerous. It was a frickin’ stampede. It was PANDEMONIUM. And to think that pandemonium had become the norm at 1 pm every day.

I even once got caught in the stampede. It was second grade, I think. My foot slipped on the....uh, third step and I used my arms to break the fall. That didn’t stop the other kids from walking over my body.

I survived, and I'm going to teach you to survive it as well. First instinct- Use my arms to protect my Oh-so-handsome face, then the back of your neck. Slowly move towards the edge, bearing all the blows.

That actually worked, I didn’t even die!  STAMPEDE SURVIVAL- CHECK.

Why did we run? Apart from the fun, I really don't know. Perhaps we thought that certain death awaited us if we were late. Perhaps there was an old hag with a chainsaw. Not sure of the chainsaw and death and stuff, but I did nearly lose my arm once. 

                                               

*Grabs popcorn.*

I was late once, I was practically the last person. I guess I must've been doing something important, because I was so lost in thought that I didn’t notice the teacher until she was six feet away and I was running at full speed with those goddamn frictionless leather shoes.

I did a dramatic swerving- out-of-the-way, but my arm got caught in her fancy-but sharp-looking bangle and gave me a nice cut. A scar which, unfortunately, I don't have any more to prove.

Ha! So I'm not obliged to believe your story.

But the thing is, I shouted out sorry, but didn’t stop or slow down, I ignored the pain. It’s sort of a nasty habit that I'm still trying to get rid of. The ability to not feel or even notice pain until it’s safe to do so.

Sometimes it’s an advantage, like when I'm playing an intense game of basketball and the other guys forget to remove their watches and badges and stuff. By the time the game’s over, I'm covered in scars, but I don't feel it. The second sit down, my entire body screams in unison-

F^#k you.

It’s also a disadvantage as I don't get to be a whiny little bitch about every little injury. Half the time, I don't even realize that I'm hurt until five minutes after, sometimes even more. For example, here I am, at 11:03 PM typing this post, when suddenly I notice this little scar between my index and middle finger. Judging from the dryness and yet the redness, I’d say that the scar is about a day old. A DAY OLD!

Out of topic. Anyway, ability to IGNORE INJURIES- CHECK.

I repeat the question I was asked before, how did this help in survival?

It was probably that one time with the bullies.

WHOA! You were bullied?!

Yeah, just one time actually. I'm pretty sure they were bullies. I’d never seen them before in my life, plus they were twice my size, twice in number and had a grand sum of one guys worth of wit in both of them combined.

Okay, they classify as bullies.

Anyway, I had a rough day during recess, I fell a couple of times. My right leg felt like shit. Suddenly, these two guys grab both my arms and said- “The principal wants to see you.” They start hauling me towards the stairs.

Note that it’s still recess, but that's almost over. Time slows down to blue-whales-heartbeat-kinda-slow. The bell rings. I squeeze my arms out of their grip at that moment. The stampede begins. I slip into the mob, weaving my way through the crowd with finesse.

Time speeds up again.

And your ability to write longer sentences returns...

It does so. As the crowds goes up the stairs, one of the nitwits spot, but is soon run over by the stampede.

True story.

Wait, that's it! Don't you think you over-reacted a little?

No. I know they lied about the principal thing because I saw them both, peeping behind the class door. 

Once they spotted me, they just went away. That was the last time I ever saw them. I'm pretty sure that if WERE the principal’s goons, they’d walk right into the class, tell the teacher and then haul my scrawny ass away, trying to look badass while doing it.

So yeah, that's how I survived recess in first grade. Technically first, second and third grade, but whatever.

Also, your recommended book for the post is...

The Book Thief, by Markus Zusak

                                         

A story narrated by Death, about a young girl who lived in Nazi Germany and loved to steal books. No, it’s not like Anne Frank.

Anyway, Death (or the Grim Reaper if you wish) is a terrible storyteller. He keeps giving spoilers halfway through the book and sometimes even in the beginning. So I suppose my mom (and yours if they do the same) won’t have to skip to the last page this time. He also gives a little spoiler to each of our lives, so SPOILER ALERT-

You are going to die.

No shit Sherlock.

I know right?!

On the plus side, you also get to fulfil your lifelong dream of learning different ways to cuss in German. Get me, saukerl?

Arshloch! Anyway, it’s actually a good book, a little depressing at time, but worth it.

Yours in Demigodishness,

Unniposeidon.